Why Is It So Hard to Let Go?

"Just let it go."

We've probably all heard it.

Sometimes it comes from someone who means well. Sometimes we say it to ourselves.

But letting go is rarely as simple as deciding that something no longer matters.

We may know that a relationship isn't healthy and still struggle to release it. We may understand that a past experience cannot be changed and still find ourselves replaying it. We may recognize that an old version of ourselves no longer fits while simultaneously feeling afraid of who we'll be without it.

Sometimes we aren't holding on because we don't know how to move forward.

Sometimes we're holding on because something about holding on still feels safer than letting go.

What Are You Actually Holding On To?

Letting go can mean many different things.

You might be holding on to:

• A relationship that has already changed

• The hope that someone will become who you need them to be

• Anger about something that happened

• Guilt about something you wish you'd done differently

• A version of yourself that once helped you survive

• Expectations about how your life "should" look

• The need to know how everything will turn out

• The belief that you need closure before you can move forward

Sometimes the thing we're holding onto isn't the situation itself.

It's the meaning we've attached to it.

Maybe letting go feels like admitting that something didn't become what you hoped it would.

Maybe it feels like giving up.

Maybe it feels like forgetting.

Maybe it feels like saying that what happened didn't matter.

But letting go doesn't have to mean any of those things.

Letting Go Isn't the Same as Not Caring

You can care about someone and still recognize that you cannot continue the relationship in the same way.

You can be angry about something that happened and decide you don't want anger to organize your life anymore.

You can grieve something and still move forward.

You can remember who you were without continuing to live from that version of yourself.

Letting go isn't necessarily about deciding that something was unimportant.

Sometimes it's about deciding that you don't want to keep carrying it in the same way.

You Don't Have to Force Yourself to Let Go

There's also a difference between letting go and forcing yourself to be over something.

Healing doesn't always happen on the timeline we would prefer.

Telling yourself that you "should be over it by now" can create another layer of shame around an experience you're already trying to process.

Instead, you might start with curiosity.

What am I still holding onto?

What does holding onto it give me?

What am I afraid might happen if I release it?

What would moving forward actually require from me?

You don't have to answer all of those questions at once.

Sometimes noticing the question is the beginning.

Sometimes We Need a Different Way to Process

Not everything needs to be talked through endlessly.

Sometimes we need to move.

Sometimes we need to create.

Sometimes we need to work with our hands.

Sometimes we need space to experience an emotion without immediately trying to explain or fix it.

That is part of the thinking behind Lego and Let Go, an experiential group at Felicity that uses tactile activity, movement, reflection, and conversation to explore emotional regulation and the process of letting go.

Because sometimes healing needs more than another conversation about why you feel the way you feel.

Sometimes we need a different way to engage with what we're carrying.

Explore Further

If you're interested in exploring letting go through an experiential, supportive group environment, Lego and Let Go begins October 10.

You can also explore books, journals, and other reflection and regulation tools through our curated Tools for Your Healing resources.

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Affiliate links are provided as optional resources and are not a substitute for therapy, medical care, or crisis support.